Good Beard, Bad Beard
By Ben Roberts - 4/14/2001I like my beard. In fact, I've liked my beard in all three incarnations it's had in the last 2 and 1/2 years. But some people disagree with my beard. (This means you, Emily, Joanne, Zak, Rebecca, Gloria, and Mike the Techie) Now I'm going to give you the upsides and the downsides to having a beard, and maybe that will change the way you people discriminate against the facial hairily gifted.
The basic upsides are clear.
1. I have a beard... sweet!!
2. I don't have to shave as much.
3. I cut myself shaving less often.
4. I have something to play with in class.
5. I look like an intellectual when I think and stroke my beard.
6. I can save a snack without having to store it anywhere.
7. I'm hip and stylish and have started the comeback of the beard.
And those are just the obvious upsides.The hidden upsides are even better. Some of them, I can't even explain because they are explicit, but use your imagination.
8. I never need to by brillo pads again.
9. I have extra padding if I ever start slamming my chin into a wall.
10. If they ever need me to play a role in an 80s revival movie, I'm already in costume!
11. Chicks dig it (extends far beyond that, but no details available).
12. I can comb my face! (not useful, but fun)
13. I can dye my beard and pretend I'm a member of ZZ Top.
14. I can pass for a hasid.
15. Chicks dig it (does not include the aforementioned parties).
16. The chinstrap in my helmet doesn't itch anymore.
17. It keeps me warm in the cold.
18. When it gets really cold, I get that cool frost all over in artistic patterns.
19. I can play make-believe and be Thor, God fo Thunder
There are lots more, but I'll stop there.Now for all your naysayers, here are the downsides.
1. I have beard... damn!
2. Food can get caught in it.
3. I need to trim it regularly.
4. I look like a character out of an 80s revival movie.
5. I look like Tunak (I don't, but Zak just won't let it go).
Far fewer downsides, as you can see.Now, let me say this as simply as possible... LAY OFF!!!! The beard is staying until I find a reason (like little bugs) to get rid of it. Nothing any of you say or do is going to get rid of it until I'm ready. You can keep bitching at me and complaining and nagging me, and all it's gonna get you is kick in the ass. I hate it when people just won't let it go.
I know, already. I know you don't like facial hair, but do I care!?!?!? NO!!!!! I could give a crap whether or not you like it. I like it and that's all that matters. Are you me? No... Are you my girlfriend? No... Are you my boss? No... So why should I care what you think about my beard.
You aren't even the majority! I know people who like it. In fact most people say they like it. And if they're lying to me, so what, I don't care about their opinions either!
So now that you've heard my reasons, and I've given up all hope of ever trying to change your mind, I leave you with these famous words:
"A beard is a symbol of dignity. A beard is a symbol of peace. A beard is everything you've ever wanted, and only your own fear is stopping you from growing one."
-The Bearded Robber (1878)Back to Rants & Raves
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